Sad News

I went to Dr Jochim for my regular OB appt on Friday, April 7th and found out I had miscarried again. I was so worried about what the ultrasound would show. When he did the ultrasound I read the approx. expectant date on the screen and mentioned to Dr. Jochim that my due date was Sept. 6 and now it was saying Sept. 23. I knew immediately that something was wrong. Then he said what I dreaded hearing him say. That he was sorry there was no heartbeat or movement.

Since I was 18 weeks pregnant and the baby was measuring at 16 weeks, Dr Jochim told me I was going to have to deliver the baby. How was I going to do that. The thought of giving birth to my baby at this time was too much for me to think about. Dr Jochim sent me to the hospital for another ultra sound but they had the same results.

Dr Jochim admitted me to the hospital the next day at 5:00 pm and inserted a wafer to start softening my cervix. By Sunday morning I delivered a baby boy. He was so tiny, less than 1 pound. I actually found out he was only 4.1 oz. He looked just like a baby but the bones weren't completely developed or fused together. All Frank said was that he felt sad. He hasn't really talked about his feeelings. If asked he just says he is ok.

I on the other hand am having a hard time. I cry all the time which I have been told is normal. The social worker at the hospital, Eileen said I need to make sure I mourn and grieve. She was such a big help in arranging funeral arrangements and getting information for me.
Today Frank and I need to go pick a site at the cemetery and meet with the funeral home to finalize arrangements. We are not having a big ceremony since he wasn so little and not yet ready to be born. Just a small private family cservice.

I never thought I would have to bury a child. At least I prayed I would never have to.

Some of my feelings are sadness, anger, disappointment confusion, hurting, depressed.

I know I'll be able to get through this but I worry about breaking down if front of the kids. Frank just seems to be going through the motions with whatever I want. I wish he would really tell me how he is feeling.

I also feel guilty like I shouldn't be greiving so much because I was early in my pregnacy and like I shouldn't really be morning a baby since he was still developing. I know he was my son and I had a bond with him. I need to find someone to talk with about my feelings.

The next couple of days are going to be hard.