Savings

I have started saving a little each week. I want to increase the amount over time, but with summer here, I need to figure out how many day care kids I’m going to have, and how many will be starting school in the Fall.

See more progress on: Save money

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I am doing 43 things.

Budget

I need to set a budget for all my bills and try to save some money.
Frank decided that I get to pay all the utility bills, the auto insurance, and garbage bills. As well as pay my credit card bills, buy groceries, and buy things the kids need. I don't know where he thinks I'm going to get all this money, but on top of this he wants to buy a van, and then I will ahve to pay for 1/2 of the van that plus the insurance

I know we have to get another vehicle but right now I can't afford to get one. Especially the one that Frank wants. We are applying for a loan form a credit union and I had a charge off on my credit report. So before our application would be considered I had to a pay off the charge off. I paid the bill and now the credit union wants a letter saying that it has been paid and would be removed from my credit report. I've called the company and asked for a letter but I still haven't received the letter. fRank keeps asking me about it so I need to call again.

I told Frank this morning that I would call, but that I didn't think I could afford a van right now. I had to get off the phone so I didn't get to finish talking to him, but I'm sure if he thinks about it he'll be mad.

The reason I get to pay all the utility bills and insurance is as a "punishment' for not paying Ron back for the money he lent us for the down payment on our house. Frank was mad when he found out, so he felt he had to punish me some how.

I need to figure out how much I make each week and get my credit cards paid off. Then I want to be able to save something each week.

Frank may be amd at me, but I'm very angry with him for thinking he needs to treat me like a child.

Church

I went to church yesterday and I know it was a mistake to go. I didn't want to hear about how God is all powerful and mighty or give praises to him. I'm so angry because I prayed for a healthy pregnancy and baby and I m/c.

Also before the teaching, Our pastor did a blessing for a newborn baby and mentioned another newborn baby that was in the hospital with a collapsed lung. I'm not upset about the blessings but I had a hard time seeing the new baby. I do hope the other baby recovers fully. My pastor did see me sitting in church but he had to do the blessing. It was so hard to see the new baby.

I don't remember half of what was said yesterday. I don't know when I can go back to church or get over being mad at God. I don't want to hear another person tell me that God is in control and it's all in His plan. Right now all I see is how much I am hurting.

So mad!!

I am so mad at Frank. He told me earlier today that he was staying in Flagstaff at Steve Ray's cabin. I have no problem with that but what I am mad about is that he didn't call me tonight when he was done working. I called him at 8:25 to see what was going on and he said he was on his way to Steve's place. I asked him why he didn't call me when he finished working and he said he spaced calling home.

I can't believe that he couldn't remember to call home. What he brings me flowers last night and now it's ok for him to do whatever he wants. I am very pissed it's not even funny. I would never forget to call home especially if my wife and kids were going to be home alone at night. That' really shows me how much he loves me.

Oh yeah he'll be in a bad mood tomorrow and it will be my fault. Let's see if he calls in the morning.

One week

Today is one week since we buried our baby.
I don't know what to say. I am hurting so much still. Frank doesn't really know how to help. He'll ask if I'm ok but if I tell him no he just kind of pulls away because he doesn't know what to say. I'm trying to get through the days but nights are still hard. I am always thinking of my baby and if hurts because he is gone.

I'm trying to not cry in front of the kids because they are worried about me.

I have class tonight and I don't know how I will get through that. I told them I was pregnant, but we haven't had class for 2 weeks since beore the m/c. I don't know how I'll handle it if someone asks me about my pregnancy. Everyone I have talked with lately knows I miscarried but I haven't talked to anyone from class.

My eyes are very sore from crying. I'm still not sleeping well. I have gone through 3 bottles of wine in a week, I need to stop that.

Frank made a comment last night about next time we have a baby, but I can't even think about getting pregnant again. I'm so scared something will happen again and I cdon't know if I would be able to handle it.

I need to work through my pain now. I can admit that each day is getting a little easier.

Poems

How do you love a person
who never got to be,
or try to envision a face
you never got to see?
How do you mourn the death of one
who never got to live.
When there's nothing to feel good about
and nothing to forgive?
I love you, my little baby,
my companion of the night.
Wandering through my lonely hours,
beautiful and bright.
What does it mean to die before
you ever were born,
to live the lovely night of life
and never see the dawn?
Ah! My little baby,
you lived like anyone!
Life's a burst of joy and pain.
And then like you's , it's done.
I love you, my little baby,
just as if you'd lived for years.
No more, no less, I think of you,
the Angel of my tears.
~Author Unknown.


Just Those Few Weeks
For just those few weeks
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks,
I came to know you...
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks...
when I lost you,
i lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams and aspirations.
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks...
It wasn't enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks..
And no "normal" person would cry all night
Over a tiny unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I??
You were just those few weeks, my little one.
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life richer
and to give me a small glimpse of eternity.
~S. Erling


A Lament for My Baby

I never got to hear you laugh
you never saw me cry
didnt get a chance to say "Hello"
you never said "Goodbye"
I didn't think that I could feel
so sad, lost and forlorn.
I never knew God chose his Angels
before some of them were born.
Your life was short yet special
I shared it all exclusively
I felt you breathe, I felt you kick.
You were alive inside of me.
Every baby is an Angel
and every angel is divine
God needed one in heaven
He came down and took mine
And although we are not together
we're not really apart
for you'll always occupy a space
deep within my heart.
Time has begun to ease my pain
It's only some days now I cry.
When I wish I could have said "Hello"
and heard you say "Goodbye"
~Author Unknown

Yesterday father, you fathered me.
Today dear mother, you birthed me.
I was there, you were there
We all stood witness.
I heard your whispers,
that you love me.
I heard you tell each other
how beautiful I was viewed
in my eternal quietude.
I even felt your soft caress
as you held me to your breast.
On this morn, mourn not for me.
With ethereal grace I have a name.
I have a home, I have a life...
To live through all eternity.
~Author Unknown


Precious Little One
I`m just a precious little one who didn`t make it there.
I went straight to be with Jesus,
but I`m waiting for you here.
Many dwelling here where I live,
waited years to enter in.
Struggled through a world of sorow,
a world marred with pain and sin.
Thank you for the life you gave me,
it was brief but don`t complain.
I have all Heaven`s Glory,
suffered none of earth`s great pain.
Thank you for the name you gave me.
I`d have loved to bring it fame.
But if I`d lingered in earth`s shadows,
I would have suffered just the same.
So sweet family-don`t you sorrow.
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom.
I went straight to Jesus` arms
from my loving Mother`s womb.
~Author Unknown

I blew it

I blew it tonight with the kids. Matthew, Rachel, and Rebekah were coloring Easter eggs.
Matthew finished with his eggs but Rachel and Rebekah still had eggs to color. I kept hearing Rachel arguing with Rebekah. She was talking in a mean voice to Rebekah and I got tired of it. I guess Rebekah had used a lot of the puffy paint on hereggs and Rachel didn't think she would have enough to finishe decorating her eggs. So she kept complaining to Rebekah. Rebekah started arguing back and I got tired of the way they were taliking to each other by then. I asked the girls why they had to fight about everything. It's not only this but when they play the nintendo or the ocm[uter or when asking each other for something they have to get snotty with each other.
I yelled at them and otld them that next time I wouldn't let them decorate anything. No Easter eggs, nothing for Christmas, we would do nothing for Halloween. I just wouldn't let them do anything.
I'm sick and tired of the bickering. Especially after this week I didn't need the extra aggravation of them fighting. I made them clean up and go to bed. I know I'm tired and upset but now after yelling at them I'm really upset with myself because I said some things I shouldn't have. I really love my kids and I want them to know I didn't mean anything I said. I'll have to apologize tomorrow.

Funeral

We had a small service for you yesterday, Thursday April 13th. Only me, Frank, and your brothers and sisters were there. Also my pastor Jim Hammond attended and read some scriptures and prayed with us.
When I arrived at the cemetery I couldn't believe how big and deep the burial plot was. You were such a little guy and I couldn't help thinking you would be buried in such a big space when just a few days before you were inside me.
The service lasted just a few minutes. I didn't want a big ceremony and I hope your grandparents understand. I need something just for me to remember you.

I went to the cemetery this morning to vist you. Rachel, Rebekah, and Matthew went with me. We brought some flowers and a little Easter angel for you.

I'm hurting so much. I can't believe that you are gone and I don't know what to do. I can't just go on with my life as it was. I need time to mourn but Frank seems to think I just need to get on with my life. He was talking this morning about getting a new car. What makes him think I can deal with a bank loan right now. I did have to do our taxes thrugh all of this and I have a take home exam that I need to do for my class but I don't want to get it done. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry but I cna't even do that. I have to take care of the other kids.

I love you and miss you my baby boy.

Night thoughts

It's getting late but I can't sleep. As soon as I lie down my mind starts thinking of all the what if's.
Like what if I did something different or didn't do something would my baby still be alive. I know I need to stop blaming myself but I can't help it. I am so sorry my baby died and so upset.
Tomorrow is the funeral. I hope I don't break down too much because I don't want to scare the kids. They already worry about me. Every morning Rebekah tells me I look tired but that is because I usually cry myself to sleep and my eyes are so swollen the next day.
Yesterday and today were sad days because of having to arrange for the funeral and burial. Today I had to make a down payment for the cemetery plot.
I don't think I have ever felt as sad as I do now and will feel tomorrow.
I can't even pray about this. I am mad at God. I prayed for a healthy pregnancy but my baby was taken anyway. I know I probably shouldn't blame God but if I can't blame myself then who can I blame.
I need to get some sleep but I can't, not yet. I did but some sleeping pills but I'm afraid if I take them I won't want to get up in the morning. I'm afraid I will become dependant on them to get me through this.
Rachel showed me a picture she drew at school and it had the baby's name on it. She wrote that she loves him and that she is sorry she never ogt to meet her brother. That just broke my heart. It's one thing for me to lose my son but to think of my kids having lost a brother they never got to know is just really painful.
Did I even say what I named him.......Paul Gabriel Morgan.

Sad News

I went to Dr Jochim for my regular OB appt on Friday, April 7th and found out I had miscarried again. I was so worried about what the ultrasound would show. When he did the ultrasound I read the approx. expectant date on the screen and mentioned to Dr. Jochim that my due date was Sept. 6 and now it was saying Sept. 23. I knew immediately that something was wrong. Then he said what I dreaded hearing him say. That he was sorry there was no heartbeat or movement.

Since I was 18 weeks pregnant and the baby was measuring at 16 weeks, Dr Jochim told me I was going to have to deliver the baby. How was I going to do that. The thought of giving birth to my baby at this time was too much for me to think about. Dr Jochim sent me to the hospital for another ultra sound but they had the same results.

Dr Jochim admitted me to the hospital the next day at 5:00 pm and inserted a wafer to start softening my cervix. By Sunday morning I delivered a baby boy. He was so tiny, less than 1 pound. I actually found out he was only 4.1 oz. He looked just like a baby but the bones weren't completely developed or fused together. All Frank said was that he felt sad. He hasn't really talked about his feeelings. If asked he just says he is ok.

I on the other hand am having a hard time. I cry all the time which I have been told is normal. The social worker at the hospital, Eileen said I need to make sure I mourn and grieve. She was such a big help in arranging funeral arrangements and getting information for me.
Today Frank and I need to go pick a site at the cemetery and meet with the funeral home to finalize arrangements. We are not having a big ceremony since he wasn so little and not yet ready to be born. Just a small private family cservice.

I never thought I would have to bury a child. At least I prayed I would never have to.

Some of my feelings are sadness, anger, disappointment confusion, hurting, depressed.

I know I'll be able to get through this but I worry about breaking down if front of the kids. Frank just seems to be going through the motions with whatever I want. I wish he would really tell me how he is feeling.

I also feel guilty like I shouldn't be greiving so much because I was early in my pregnacy and like I shouldn't really be morning a baby since he was still developing. I know he was my son and I had a bond with him. I need to find someone to talk with about my feelings.

The next couple of days are going to be hard.

Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

Frnak and I are planning on going to dinner and a movie tonight. The movies all start early so we may just have to settle for dinner but that would be ok because we hardly ever go on a 'date' alone. I just want to spend time alone with him.

I'm going to try and catch up on things that have been happening.
Matthew had his first sleepover in January. He went to play with his friend Mason and ended up sleeping at Mason's house. I was so worried about him because like I said this was his first time away from home alone. It didn't help matters that Mason's mom didn't answer the phone when I called to check on Matthew and say good night. I'm pretty sure Matthew got more sleep than I did that night.

Andrew has started his first job. He is working a the Auto Spa car wash. He only works on Saturday's for now but hopefully during the summer he can get more days. So far he likes it.

I went to the doctor on Feb 2nd. I am due on Sept. 6th just in time for my birthday and Frank's birthday. Actually I told my doctor I was tired of trying to decide what to get Frank for his birthday so I just thought what the heck I'll give him a baby...LOL. He laughed and said tell Frank Happy Birthday..lol I'm feeling pretty good just tired all the time. I have morning sickness but mainly in the afternoon. Hopefully in the next couple of weeks this will pass and I won't feel tired or sick.

I am taking an accounting class at Yavapai College. This week is my third week. The class seems to be going well. My instructor said if we don't catch on to what we are doing by the 4th chapter then we would have a herd time so that made me nervous but so far I'm understanding everything.

Rachel turned 12 yesterday, Feb 13th. She is growing up so fast.

Ron called he is coming for a visit in March, can't wait to see him.

I'll update more later.

Test

I couldn't wait until this weekend to take the preg. test. I took it last night and it is..............positive. I am happy but I'm also so scared and worried. I haven't told Frank yet,
I'll have to do it today. I also need to schedule an appointment with Dr. Jochim.
I'm also worried because last time I wa pregnant I miscarried. I'm just praying Frank won't be mad, and for a healthy pregnancy and baby. Oh Lord, what are my parents going to say??!!

Good News!!!???!!!

I think I may be pregnant!!! My period is 9 days late, but sometimes that happens.
I'll be late and start thinking I'm pregnant. Then I'll take a test only to have it be negative
and have my period start the same day. So I'm going to wait. If my period doesn't start by next weekend then I'll take a test. In the meantime NO ALCOHOL!!!!

I don't really know how I would feel if I am pegnant. I have four beautiful children already that keep me very busy. I like not having to worry about taking a baby along and having to change diapers. I have thought about having another child. I love being pregnant but I always have a hard time giving birth....it hurts so much.

I'm also scared because I have had two miscarriages and the last one I had to have a D&C and I just had a hard time getting over it. Even now I am depressed about losing that child.
I find comfort in knowing that I have two babies waiting for me when I get to heaven.

If I am pregnant I will be very happy and love this child very much.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year!!!! I can't believe it is already another new year. Time is going by so fast.
I want this to be the best year ever.