Little House on the Prairie

A couple of years ago I started watching Little House on the Prairie with my kids. We borrow the dvd's from the library so that's why it's taken such a long time to watch them. We are currently on season 8.

I love this show and the kids really seem to enjoy them also. Except for the shows that aren't centered around Laura. They are only interested in Laura...lol. Which this season started out dealing with other people instead of Laura.

My favorite episode of season 8 in 'Stone Soup'. Charles and Almanzo have a chance at raking in a nice paycheck by making a delivery trip to Arizona, but that would mean being on the road for two months. Almanzo reluctantly agrees to go along, despite his wife being five months pregnant, and with Walnut Grove experiencing a terrible drought, Laura must now juggle her responsibilities at home and as a teacher. With a large orchard to water each day, Laura stubbornly refuses help from her family, which could create grave consequences for herself and her unborn child. Meanwhile, Willie Oleson shows signs that he might finally be turning into a motivated student, and the school children draw upon the message of a special story to learn how to give back to their community during a difficult time.

I think I really like this episode because it finally shows a different side of Willie. When I was a little girl Willie was my favorite, well until Albert came along...LOL.

I'm so glad my kids are enjoying Little House on the Prairie.

Goal update

2009 Goals
Spiritual
• Daily bible study and prayer time Doing daily
• Attend care group weekly Missed this week
• Attend bible study weekly Started last week
• Attend church weekly 2 weeks

Family time
• Restart family day on Sundays Frank is off on Sunday’s again :)
• Restart family game night on Sundays
• Spend quality time with Frank at least once a week Yes, each week
• Spend at least 30 minutes a week with each child doing something they enjoy
• Have Andrew over for dinner at least one of week

Home Blessing
• De-clutter. Get rid of at least 3 items each week day
• Organize scrapbook/cardmaking supplies for easy access
• Organize each room in the house and outside storage
• Straighten and make sure everything has a place
• Keep our(mine and Frank) bedroom a kid free zone. We need a place just for us and not having any kid toys, clothes, etc. laying around. YES!!!
• Complete routines daily
• Complete PDC dailyComplete Kelly’s mission

Health goals
• Lose weight(starting at 175) Lost 3 lbs
• Sparkspeople -- Daily login/update sparkspage
• Drink 8 cups of water daily Yes
• Plan and make healthier meals
• Exercise 30 min a day
• Keep a food journal

Personal
• Blog/journal daily
• Do something for myself once a week Yes

Better organized
• Update and use Control Journal
• Update and use Christmas Journal
• Create journal pages for other holidays
• Once a month cooking
• Plan weekly menus
• Revamp daily routine for daycare kids

Arts & Crafts
• Prepare a monthly list of crafts or activities for day care kids
• Cross Stitch Christmas ornaments and pictures
• Organize all photos for scrapbooking
• Work on kids scrapbooks once a week
• Make birthday, Christmas and other occasion cards
• Make a list of homemade gifts

Financial
• Organize bills Yes
• Pay bills on time
• Pay off debt
• Tithe 10% each week Yes
• Set aside $10 each week for savings
• Set aside $10 each week for saving for Christmas
• Record income and business expenses weekly



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First week of the year.

This is the end of the first full week of 2009 and already it's been a bust.
I haven't done a very good job at accomplishing any of my goal. Actually I am reading my bible daily and spending more time in prayer. Which is a big improvement from the past, but all other goals, I haven't even tried to do anything about.

I really need to get back to having a daily list of chores and tasks to do. having the list is the easy part, it's actually doing everything on the list that is the hard part. Mostly because I procrastinate or find excuses not to do things.

Frank and I have had a rocky start to the new year and that makes it hard to get things done. Mainly due to some depression on my part. There has been a lot of stress and tension in the past 5 or 6 months between us and we are finally trying to deal with it, but of course emotionally it's hurts which only adds to any depression I have.

I'm trying not to spend a lot of time on the computer when Frank is home, but to spend more time with him. Of course I'm not cleaning much while he is home. Just doing the basic stuff and not any extra cleaning.

Having my daycare kids isn't helping either. I have one that cries all day long when he is dropped off. He wants me hold him all day. Which I can't do obviously. I've talked to his parents and grandmother about this, but they say it's because he's sick and isn't feeling good. I told them no it's started the very first day they started bringing him to me. Then another little boy cries because he wants to eat all the time and I won't feed him all day long. He gets his snacks and lunch with all the other kids. I am grateful for my daycare kids being here so that I can be home for my own kids otherwise I would have to get a job, but I'm beginning to lose patience with some of the kids.

Another reason I think I'm not getting anything done is because my daily to do list or poa is very detailed and long. When I see it I feel overwhelmed. Starting Monday I'm going to work in one room (and only one room) a day. If I break my list down into daily areas instead of printing the whole thing out then maybe it won't seem so overwhelming at least until I get routines established. I can also add PDC and FBB stuff which usually doesn't take to long to complete. I haven't started PCCX and I don't know if I even will do anything towards it this round. I'll see how the week goes.

My life right now is just overwhelming. I need to spend time with Frank and our kids. Then there are the kids activities---soccer, basketball, youth group, scouts, as well as school. I have daycare kids daily. I need to take care of the house daily. Where is MY time. I have very little me time or I'm made to feel guilty if I do anything for myself. Everyone acts like the world will end if I leave the house for a few hours by myself.

I better stop now because I feel myself beginning to ramble. I'll never stop if I start that.

Oh yeah, Jadon is driving me crazy because he doesn't say mama or mommy. He calls me Net because he hears the daycare kids call me that. I keep telling him my name is mama and he just laughs. He is such a cutie, but I wish he would call me mama. He calls Frank dada and really means it, but I'm Net.

Happy New Year!!

Having a lazy start to the day today, but that's ok. Kids are still sleeping and the Rose Bowl parade is on tv right now.

I'm praying we have a great 2009. Planning on being better organized and keeping a clean and loving home for my family. Praying for Frank and myself. That our marriage remains strong. The past several months have been tough for us mainly due to finances, but with Christmas out of the way and finally getting caught up on bills I believe good days are ahead for us.

I'm really going to try to stay up to date with this blog. I always seem to forget to blog or not have time too, but this year I've made it one of my goals to remain current with this blog

Better get up and get started with my day.

2009 Goals

Spiritual
• Daily bible study and prayer time
• Attend care group weekly
• Attend bible study weekly
• Attend church weekly
Family time
• Restart family day on Sundays
• Restart family game night on Sundays
• Spend quality time with Frank at least once a week
• Spend at least 30 minutes a week with each child doing something they enjoy
• Have Andrew over for dinner at least one of week
Home Blessing
• De-clutter. Get rid of at least 3 items each week day
• Organize scrapbook/cardmaking supplies for easy access
• Organize each room in the house and outside storage
• Straighten and make sure everything has a place
• Keep our(mine and Frank) bedroom a kid free zone. We need a place just for us and not having any kid toys, clothes, etc. laying around.
• Complete routines daily
• Complete PDC dailyComplete Kelly’s mission
Health goals
• Lose weight(starting at 175)
• Sparkspeople -- Daily login/update sparkspage
• Drink 8 cups of water daily
• Plan and make healthier meals
• Exercise 30 min a day
• Keep a food journal
Personal
• Blog/journal daily
• Do something for myself once a week
Better organized
• Update and use Control Journal
• Update and use Christmas Journal
• Create journal pages for other holidays
• Once a month cooking
• Plan weekly menus
• Revamp daily routine for daycare kids
Arts & Crafts
• Prepare a monthly list of crafts or activities for day care kids
• Cross Stitch Christmas ornaments and pictures
• Organize all photos for scrapbooking
• Work on kids scrapbooks once a week
• Make birthday, Christmas and other occasion cards
• Make a list of homemade gifts
Financial
• Organize bills
• Pay bills on time
• Pay off debt
• Tithe 10% each week
• Set aside $10 each week for savings
• Set aside $10 each week for saving for Christmas
• Record income and business expenses weekly

Walking

Jadon is officially walking.   He started taking a few steps a couple of weeks ago, but now is walking all over the place.  It's so funny to see him walking around.  He is so tiny   LOL.   

ScribeFire

Trying out ScribeFire to see if I crosspost my blogs.

Introducing......

...Our newest addition....... Jadon Levi Morgan

Jadon was born on Tuesday, August 28, 2007
weighing 6 lbs, 14 oz
and he was 18 inches long.

It had been a long, hot summer waiting for Jadon to arrive.
My due date was Sept. 14th, but I knew he would come early.
Dr Jochim didn't think so. He kept saying I would deliver in
Sept., but this being my 5th child, I knew I would deliver early.

All the kids are excited to have Jadon here finally. Especially Matthew.
All he wanted was a baby brother. So he is very excited. Now Matthew
is realizing that he is the middle brother and so far he likes being in the
middle. Although he was hoping Jadon would be ready to play with him
once he was born. I kept telling Matthew that Jadon was going to be too
small to play for a long time.

Jadon is settling in quite well at home. Now if he would get his days and
nights in order. He sleeps very well during the day, but wants to stay awake
at night. Well at least he sleeps during the day so I can nap with him.

Long time no write

It's been a long time since I last posted. To me it seems like I was a walking zombie all last year. After my miscarriage I just didn't feel like really doing anything. I still kept up with my yahoo groups, but kinda fizzled out at the end of the year. I did make it through Christmas for the kids. We had a good Christmas. Frank and I stressed about money. Him because he didn't know what to buy the kids, my because I didn't have any money. I really started thinking about getting a job. I just don't want to be away from my kids. I like being home and being here when they get home from school.

We bought a new van. Well new for us. A 2003 Honda Odyssey. I love it.

In October, we took a 10 day family vacation to see Ron and Wanda in Chico. Our first real family vacation. I'll write about the trip in another post it will take awhile to relive it... :)

Our computer crashed in January. We had to get a new motherboard. We still need a new video card and tv card. Also I'm thinking we need a new cd drive.

I'm happy, scared, excited, and worried to say that I am pregnant. My due date is Sept 14, 9 days after I would have been due last year. My first dr appt went well. My next appt is March 21, I'm praying everything is well. Praying for a healthy baby. Dr Jochim asked me what this baby is going to be and I said 'Healthy' that's all I want.

I'll be back later to post more.

Savings

I have started saving a little each week. I want to increase the amount over time, but with summer here, I need to figure out how many day care kids I’m going to have, and how many will be starting school in the Fall.

See more progress on: Save money

Test post

I am doing 43 things.

Budget

I need to set a budget for all my bills and try to save some money.
Frank decided that I get to pay all the utility bills, the auto insurance, and garbage bills. As well as pay my credit card bills, buy groceries, and buy things the kids need. I don't know where he thinks I'm going to get all this money, but on top of this he wants to buy a van, and then I will ahve to pay for 1/2 of the van that plus the insurance

I know we have to get another vehicle but right now I can't afford to get one. Especially the one that Frank wants. We are applying for a loan form a credit union and I had a charge off on my credit report. So before our application would be considered I had to a pay off the charge off. I paid the bill and now the credit union wants a letter saying that it has been paid and would be removed from my credit report. I've called the company and asked for a letter but I still haven't received the letter. fRank keeps asking me about it so I need to call again.

I told Frank this morning that I would call, but that I didn't think I could afford a van right now. I had to get off the phone so I didn't get to finish talking to him, but I'm sure if he thinks about it he'll be mad.

The reason I get to pay all the utility bills and insurance is as a "punishment' for not paying Ron back for the money he lent us for the down payment on our house. Frank was mad when he found out, so he felt he had to punish me some how.

I need to figure out how much I make each week and get my credit cards paid off. Then I want to be able to save something each week.

Frank may be amd at me, but I'm very angry with him for thinking he needs to treat me like a child.

Church

I went to church yesterday and I know it was a mistake to go. I didn't want to hear about how God is all powerful and mighty or give praises to him. I'm so angry because I prayed for a healthy pregnancy and baby and I m/c.

Also before the teaching, Our pastor did a blessing for a newborn baby and mentioned another newborn baby that was in the hospital with a collapsed lung. I'm not upset about the blessings but I had a hard time seeing the new baby. I do hope the other baby recovers fully. My pastor did see me sitting in church but he had to do the blessing. It was so hard to see the new baby.

I don't remember half of what was said yesterday. I don't know when I can go back to church or get over being mad at God. I don't want to hear another person tell me that God is in control and it's all in His plan. Right now all I see is how much I am hurting.

So mad!!

I am so mad at Frank. He told me earlier today that he was staying in Flagstaff at Steve Ray's cabin. I have no problem with that but what I am mad about is that he didn't call me tonight when he was done working. I called him at 8:25 to see what was going on and he said he was on his way to Steve's place. I asked him why he didn't call me when he finished working and he said he spaced calling home.

I can't believe that he couldn't remember to call home. What he brings me flowers last night and now it's ok for him to do whatever he wants. I am very pissed it's not even funny. I would never forget to call home especially if my wife and kids were going to be home alone at night. That' really shows me how much he loves me.

Oh yeah he'll be in a bad mood tomorrow and it will be my fault. Let's see if he calls in the morning.

One week

Today is one week since we buried our baby.
I don't know what to say. I am hurting so much still. Frank doesn't really know how to help. He'll ask if I'm ok but if I tell him no he just kind of pulls away because he doesn't know what to say. I'm trying to get through the days but nights are still hard. I am always thinking of my baby and if hurts because he is gone.

I'm trying to not cry in front of the kids because they are worried about me.

I have class tonight and I don't know how I will get through that. I told them I was pregnant, but we haven't had class for 2 weeks since beore the m/c. I don't know how I'll handle it if someone asks me about my pregnancy. Everyone I have talked with lately knows I miscarried but I haven't talked to anyone from class.

My eyes are very sore from crying. I'm still not sleeping well. I have gone through 3 bottles of wine in a week, I need to stop that.

Frank made a comment last night about next time we have a baby, but I can't even think about getting pregnant again. I'm so scared something will happen again and I cdon't know if I would be able to handle it.

I need to work through my pain now. I can admit that each day is getting a little easier.

Poems

How do you love a person
who never got to be,
or try to envision a face
you never got to see?
How do you mourn the death of one
who never got to live.
When there's nothing to feel good about
and nothing to forgive?
I love you, my little baby,
my companion of the night.
Wandering through my lonely hours,
beautiful and bright.
What does it mean to die before
you ever were born,
to live the lovely night of life
and never see the dawn?
Ah! My little baby,
you lived like anyone!
Life's a burst of joy and pain.
And then like you's , it's done.
I love you, my little baby,
just as if you'd lived for years.
No more, no less, I think of you,
the Angel of my tears.
~Author Unknown.


Just Those Few Weeks
For just those few weeks
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks,
I came to know you...
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks...
when I lost you,
i lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams and aspirations.
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks...
It wasn't enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks..
And no "normal" person would cry all night
Over a tiny unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I??
You were just those few weeks, my little one.
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life richer
and to give me a small glimpse of eternity.
~S. Erling


A Lament for My Baby

I never got to hear you laugh
you never saw me cry
didnt get a chance to say "Hello"
you never said "Goodbye"
I didn't think that I could feel
so sad, lost and forlorn.
I never knew God chose his Angels
before some of them were born.
Your life was short yet special
I shared it all exclusively
I felt you breathe, I felt you kick.
You were alive inside of me.
Every baby is an Angel
and every angel is divine
God needed one in heaven
He came down and took mine
And although we are not together
we're not really apart
for you'll always occupy a space
deep within my heart.
Time has begun to ease my pain
It's only some days now I cry.
When I wish I could have said "Hello"
and heard you say "Goodbye"
~Author Unknown

Yesterday father, you fathered me.
Today dear mother, you birthed me.
I was there, you were there
We all stood witness.
I heard your whispers,
that you love me.
I heard you tell each other
how beautiful I was viewed
in my eternal quietude.
I even felt your soft caress
as you held me to your breast.
On this morn, mourn not for me.
With ethereal grace I have a name.
I have a home, I have a life...
To live through all eternity.
~Author Unknown


Precious Little One
I`m just a precious little one who didn`t make it there.
I went straight to be with Jesus,
but I`m waiting for you here.
Many dwelling here where I live,
waited years to enter in.
Struggled through a world of sorow,
a world marred with pain and sin.
Thank you for the life you gave me,
it was brief but don`t complain.
I have all Heaven`s Glory,
suffered none of earth`s great pain.
Thank you for the name you gave me.
I`d have loved to bring it fame.
But if I`d lingered in earth`s shadows,
I would have suffered just the same.
So sweet family-don`t you sorrow.
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom.
I went straight to Jesus` arms
from my loving Mother`s womb.
~Author Unknown

I blew it

I blew it tonight with the kids. Matthew, Rachel, and Rebekah were coloring Easter eggs.
Matthew finished with his eggs but Rachel and Rebekah still had eggs to color. I kept hearing Rachel arguing with Rebekah. She was talking in a mean voice to Rebekah and I got tired of it. I guess Rebekah had used a lot of the puffy paint on hereggs and Rachel didn't think she would have enough to finishe decorating her eggs. So she kept complaining to Rebekah. Rebekah started arguing back and I got tired of the way they were taliking to each other by then. I asked the girls why they had to fight about everything. It's not only this but when they play the nintendo or the ocm[uter or when asking each other for something they have to get snotty with each other.
I yelled at them and otld them that next time I wouldn't let them decorate anything. No Easter eggs, nothing for Christmas, we would do nothing for Halloween. I just wouldn't let them do anything.
I'm sick and tired of the bickering. Especially after this week I didn't need the extra aggravation of them fighting. I made them clean up and go to bed. I know I'm tired and upset but now after yelling at them I'm really upset with myself because I said some things I shouldn't have. I really love my kids and I want them to know I didn't mean anything I said. I'll have to apologize tomorrow.

Funeral

We had a small service for you yesterday, Thursday April 13th. Only me, Frank, and your brothers and sisters were there. Also my pastor Jim Hammond attended and read some scriptures and prayed with us.
When I arrived at the cemetery I couldn't believe how big and deep the burial plot was. You were such a little guy and I couldn't help thinking you would be buried in such a big space when just a few days before you were inside me.
The service lasted just a few minutes. I didn't want a big ceremony and I hope your grandparents understand. I need something just for me to remember you.

I went to the cemetery this morning to vist you. Rachel, Rebekah, and Matthew went with me. We brought some flowers and a little Easter angel for you.

I'm hurting so much. I can't believe that you are gone and I don't know what to do. I can't just go on with my life as it was. I need time to mourn but Frank seems to think I just need to get on with my life. He was talking this morning about getting a new car. What makes him think I can deal with a bank loan right now. I did have to do our taxes thrugh all of this and I have a take home exam that I need to do for my class but I don't want to get it done. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry but I cna't even do that. I have to take care of the other kids.

I love you and miss you my baby boy.

Night thoughts

It's getting late but I can't sleep. As soon as I lie down my mind starts thinking of all the what if's.
Like what if I did something different or didn't do something would my baby still be alive. I know I need to stop blaming myself but I can't help it. I am so sorry my baby died and so upset.
Tomorrow is the funeral. I hope I don't break down too much because I don't want to scare the kids. They already worry about me. Every morning Rebekah tells me I look tired but that is because I usually cry myself to sleep and my eyes are so swollen the next day.
Yesterday and today were sad days because of having to arrange for the funeral and burial. Today I had to make a down payment for the cemetery plot.
I don't think I have ever felt as sad as I do now and will feel tomorrow.
I can't even pray about this. I am mad at God. I prayed for a healthy pregnancy but my baby was taken anyway. I know I probably shouldn't blame God but if I can't blame myself then who can I blame.
I need to get some sleep but I can't, not yet. I did but some sleeping pills but I'm afraid if I take them I won't want to get up in the morning. I'm afraid I will become dependant on them to get me through this.
Rachel showed me a picture she drew at school and it had the baby's name on it. She wrote that she loves him and that she is sorry she never ogt to meet her brother. That just broke my heart. It's one thing for me to lose my son but to think of my kids having lost a brother they never got to know is just really painful.
Did I even say what I named him.......Paul Gabriel Morgan.

Sad News

I went to Dr Jochim for my regular OB appt on Friday, April 7th and found out I had miscarried again. I was so worried about what the ultrasound would show. When he did the ultrasound I read the approx. expectant date on the screen and mentioned to Dr. Jochim that my due date was Sept. 6 and now it was saying Sept. 23. I knew immediately that something was wrong. Then he said what I dreaded hearing him say. That he was sorry there was no heartbeat or movement.

Since I was 18 weeks pregnant and the baby was measuring at 16 weeks, Dr Jochim told me I was going to have to deliver the baby. How was I going to do that. The thought of giving birth to my baby at this time was too much for me to think about. Dr Jochim sent me to the hospital for another ultra sound but they had the same results.

Dr Jochim admitted me to the hospital the next day at 5:00 pm and inserted a wafer to start softening my cervix. By Sunday morning I delivered a baby boy. He was so tiny, less than 1 pound. I actually found out he was only 4.1 oz. He looked just like a baby but the bones weren't completely developed or fused together. All Frank said was that he felt sad. He hasn't really talked about his feeelings. If asked he just says he is ok.

I on the other hand am having a hard time. I cry all the time which I have been told is normal. The social worker at the hospital, Eileen said I need to make sure I mourn and grieve. She was such a big help in arranging funeral arrangements and getting information for me.
Today Frank and I need to go pick a site at the cemetery and meet with the funeral home to finalize arrangements. We are not having a big ceremony since he wasn so little and not yet ready to be born. Just a small private family cservice.

I never thought I would have to bury a child. At least I prayed I would never have to.

Some of my feelings are sadness, anger, disappointment confusion, hurting, depressed.

I know I'll be able to get through this but I worry about breaking down if front of the kids. Frank just seems to be going through the motions with whatever I want. I wish he would really tell me how he is feeling.

I also feel guilty like I shouldn't be greiving so much because I was early in my pregnacy and like I shouldn't really be morning a baby since he was still developing. I know he was my son and I had a bond with him. I need to find someone to talk with about my feelings.

The next couple of days are going to be hard.